the wake-up

i kid from time to time that "i'm so tired, i'm going to die". who doesn't? the idea of death is so far fetched and out of our mind for most of our lives until it's right there in our face saying "let's roll". last night i had a bit of a wake-up.

i was driving down rio lindo heading to the gym (for those of you not in Chico, it's a very busy street were businesses meet residential. the posted speed limit is 35, but most people go much faster). i was rocking out to Asia, minding my own business. from out of now where, a person (it happened so fast, i'm not even sure if it was a man or a woman) tried to merge in the lane i was driving in, but either didn't see me or didn't gauge my speed very well and nearly hit me. the only time i had was to slam on my breaks --- i couldn't even swerve because there was a car parked to the right of me.

i was in complete shock. the person drove into a parking lot and i pulled over on the street. i walked around my car and nothing was damaged. the woman behind me stopped and asked if i was ok... she was nice -- she went and found were the person who nearly hit me had moved and was hiding in a dark part of the parking lot.

i wasn't sure what to do: i was safe, my car was OK, and i didn't hit the parked car.... the woman thought i should confront the person, maybe i should have, but i've made peace with the situation and let it go.

after i got back into my car i started to think about how close it really was... if i wasn't paying attention or didn't react so quickly, i might have been hit. and the angle of the truck would have met my driver side window and i'm pretty sure i would have been seriously hurt.

but it makes you think: if today is my last day on this earth, what would i leave behind? what unanswered questions would i leave? do the people in my life know how much they mean to me? what will happen to bert and ernie? did i really live the life i wanted?

i hope so.

filling the void

i noticed myself picking fights for no apparent reason and it's driving me and eric insane. i did this in my last relationship and after looking back further, this has happened with other people. why?

i met with jamie and berta to talk through some of these thoughts and they had some good insights. i might be pushing myself too hard, setting high expectations, judging other's faults besides my own.... why?

i drove around and i think what ever had to surfaced did: i fill my life with things hoping in the effort to be happy. when i was younger, it was clothes. teens, men (of courses!) but older men - like tim curry and mick jagger. in my late-teen/early adult-hood it was losing weight (80 pounds!) and drugs. and for the past few years, it's health (two triathlons and the FREAKEN' AIDS LIFE CYCLE RIDE), and now - my career/education. why?

why do i wake up in the morning not feeling "i'm good enough" and i need to be doing more?
why am i searching for love and acceptance in others?
why do i need to have chaos/pain/hurt?
why can't i love myself for who i am?

a good professor of mine once told me that when you are able to stop asking why, you will find the root of what ever you are trying to solve.

i am ready.

PS: barnes and noble did not have perfect girls, starving daughters but if i'm interested, i should check out eating disorders for other books like it. *sigh*

Asian Stirfry

As promised, here is my crack asian stirfry recipe.

Ingredients

• 5 large garlic cloves minced (8-9 smaller ones)
• 1/4 onion minced (I prefer purple)
• 1-inch ginger, peeled and minced
• 6 red chilies (substitute 1 tsp of dried red pepper flakes, but will make it hotter)
• Vegetable or protein of your choice (green bean and broccoli are my favorite)
• White wine or cooking wine
• Soy sauce
• Sesame seeds

Steps

1. 1. Prepare garlic, onion, ginger.
   
   
2. Prepare vegetable or protein of choice (breaking down into bite size pieces).
   
   
3. Heat wok on medium and spray with Pam (or tsp of olive oil) . Add garlic, onion, ginger, and chili. Stir constantly until heated through (about 3-4 minutes).
   
4. Add a splash of white/cooking wine and soy sauce (about 2 tablespoons each).
   
   
5. Add vegetable or protein of choice and cook through.
   
   
6. Transfer to a plate and remove red thai chilies (if used).
   
   
7. Top with sesame seeds.

Let me know how it turns out!

define me, says who?

a wise woman once said "define who you are and find the security you need to feel free parading the REAL YOU all around the world." at first i thought, i know the real me... she is confident, happy, and complex. she likes to read, enjoys spending time with her friends, loves cooking, loves being physical....... but is this really who i am? are these really the things that define me?

related to this post was a comment about a woman who used a truth mirror. she would stare into the mirror each night until she was able to find something beautiful and true about herself... who we believe we are and what we REALLY are two different matters. wait, let me rephrase that: who I believe I am and what I think others see me as, ARE two different things.

so this brings me back to the original statement: define you.

• It's hard for me to forgive myself.
• I push myself too hard because I think I'm not good enough.
  
• I'm afraid that I will loose control and ???
• I focus too much on my weight.
• I close my heart because I'm afraid of being hurt.
• I judge others because I think they are judging me.
  

after writing my define statements, i realized two things:
1. they are all negative and 2. i'm on a mission to make it my ANTI-definition.

this blog is now my virtual mirror. i'm going to challenge myself to write often and positively about me, friends, and food.

this is the change i wish to see in the world.