Saturday, October 27, 2007

filling the void

i noticed myself picking fights for no apparent reason and it's driving me and eric insane. i did this in my last relationship and after looking back further, this has happened with other people. why?

i met with jamie and berta to talk through some of these thoughts and they had some good insights. i might be pushing myself too hard, setting high expectations, judging other's faults besides my own.... why?

i drove around and i think what ever had to surfaced did: i fill my life with things hoping in the effort to be happy. when i was younger, it was clothes. teens, men (of courses!) but older men - like tim curry and mick jagger. in my late-teen/early adult-hood it was losing weight (80 pounds!) and drugs. and for the past few years, it's health (two triathlons and the FREAKEN' AIDS LIFE CYCLE RIDE), and now - my career/education. why?

why do i wake up in the morning not feeling "i'm good enough" and i need to be doing more?
why am i searching for love and acceptance in others?
why do i need to have chaos/pain/hurt?
why can't i love myself for who i am?

a good professor of mine once told me that when you are able to stop asking why, you will find the root of what ever you are trying to solve.

i am ready.

PS: barnes and noble did not have perfect girls, starving daughters but if i'm interested, i should check out eating disorders for other books like it. *sigh*

2 comments:

Berta Roebuck said...

you WILL find the root of the problem, i have faith in you :) and in the meantime, if you want to chat more about it with me, please don't hesitate!

Amber D. (Evans) Marcu, Ph.D. said...

You got me thinking ... so I wrote about it. Thank you Jenn!

You will find the root, but you'll need to acknowledge that actual change will have to take place through your conscious action upon your choices. It's like tri training, but for your emotional mind and heart. You'll get there--you're good at this kind of stuff.